Louie The Chimp - March 2004

Boardin' With Louie...
Louie battles the evil O-Rangs
By Louie the Chimp/Sierra Ski News

I shot out of the trees straight into a boardercross event.

    As the multi-colored haze cleared from in front of me, it took a second for me to realize where I was -- headed downhill at Donner Ski Ranch. I stopped to get my bearings, looking briefly uphill, and eeeeeeekkkk!!!! Suddenly two dozen snowboarders raced past me. Only my great agility saved me from getting run over. I had landed right in the middle of a boardercross event. My competitive instincts immediately kicked in and I raced down the slope after them. With my superior boarding skills I quickly overtook them and sailed across the finish line to victory.
    A roar went up from the crowd when they realized it was me. I acknowledged their cheers and only then did I remember my passenger. Princess Chimpella had hitched a ride on the back of my board. I looked back up the slope and was relieved to see her waving happily down at me. It truly was a good day to go boardin’ with Louie.
    Perhaps I’d better start from the beginning of my story -- but you’re never going to believe it!!!
    Remember those guys I saw last month in the parking lot of Donner Ski Ranch? The ones wearing black trenchcoats who were obviously not watching me? Well I ran into them again. This time on the slopes. The first indication I had that I was in trouble was when I saw they were all on skis - not boards. The second was that they had surrounded me and were steering me into the trees in an out-of-bounds area.
    Before I even had time to utter a “hey dude,” they dropped their trenchcoats and took off their black fedoras. I gasped as their long, thick reddish-orange hair was exposed. Aliens!!! I had heard of these creatures. Originating from the planet O-Rang-Tang, they were rumored to kidnap unsuspecting Earth creatures and take them to their planet for hideous experiments and slave labor. No one they had taken had ever been seen again. But they had picked the wrong banana when they decided to abduct Louie the Chimp!!!
    Suddenly a rainbow-colored cloud appeared amongst the trees. The O-Rangs pushed me through it and in the blink of an eye we were standing on the edge of a great chasm. There was snow and ice everywhere and the wind was bitter cold. We obviously weren’t on Earth anymore as a dim red sun hung in the sky. I could see a huge building set on the side of the mountain far above.
    The O-Rangs made me get off my board and pick it up. Then I was shoved roughly toward an open doorway. This turned out to be some sort of elevator device as we shot upward at a fantastic rate. At the top I was hustled into a small room and the door slammed shut behind me. “There is no escape,” I heard an O-Rang say from behind the door.
    I surveyed the unusual room I was in. It only had three walls. Where the fourth wall would have been was completely open. All I could see was the gloomy twilight of open sky.
    I made my way to the edge and looked down. It must have been a drop of about a mile...almost straight down, but not quite. “Oh this is going to be a snap,” I thought. “Those O-Rangs just don’t know Louie!!!”
    I set my board down at the edge of the room and jumped into my boots. I was about to launch myself down the mountain when I heard a small voice from behind say, “please don’t leave me.”
    Startled, I turned and saw emerging from a darkened corner of the room the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. “I’m Princess Chimpella of the planet Primate 4,” she said. “I’ve been locked in this horrible room for weeks. Please help me!!!”
    “Jump on the back, babe, and hold on,” I said. When I was sure she had a firm grip on me, I scooted over the edge.
    We plummeted down the slope at a breakneck speed. I was aiming for the spot where the O-Rangs and I had appeared only a short time ago. I figured there were three things that could happen at this point -- me and the Princess could crash and burn (ha! not likely!); we’d fly off into that great open chasm below; or whatever it was that the O-Rangs used to transport us here would activate and transfer us back to Earth -- I think you can guess which one I was hoping for -- and obviously it worked!!!
    You already know the rest of the story -- I have a hunch though that the O-Rangs and I will meet again. I’ll be ready for them!!!

- Signing off, Louie the Chimp

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